Unintentional Reality

School has started and the fast continues. Though I am past the fast on Clothing from week 2, I feel urged to share what it was about.  There are all kinds of scriptures about clothes and adornment. I chose 7 clothes to wear for the entire week. (Undergarments do not count....don't even start.) Shoes count as 1 item, and no jewelry except wedding ring. I honestly did not think this will be a big deal to me. I am not a fashionista by any means. I have tons of costume jewelry that just sit in a drawer. But after reading the scripture I felt God speaking to me straight from the pages of the Bible. I had no issues with wearing 7 items for a week, but it was the message behind it that stirred my soul. God was telling me: Let's get real Nikki.

We have a default reaction to the poorly outfitted and the favored dresser. I've heard it only takes us a half a second to judge someones entire character based on their appearance. Let's continue to be honest here, we all want and thrive on being able to chill and converse with those above our rung, those who fit the status quo and those who 'have it all'.  Appearance makes our chance to move up increase, it's just the saddened reality of the flesh.

We have all heard the story once about a rich man and a poor man walking into a facility and the poor man treated badly while the rich man is favored. Be honest, we all do it without even realizing it. It is the sin of the flesh. We assess others social status, well being, health, even humility and selfishness all based on their outward appearances. James:2 cautions us in being judgemental saying that if we really Love our neighbor as our self we are doing right, but if favoritism is found you sin. Whoever keeps Gods law yet stumbles at one point is guilt of breaking all of it. Just like this morning, getting ready to take my husband out for his birthday lunch and watch the Gator Game with friends. I found myself analysing the people who were going to be there and that was how I judged what I was actually going to wear. That was how I was going to fit in with the crowd...... (Stupid Nikki.) But us women are so guilty of it and don't even realize we are doing it. What the world! I unintentionally judge myself and others based on appearance.

 I love the question Jen Hatmaker puts in the study here:

Have you ever showed favoritism based on someones appearance? What were the circumstances? Or maybe the flip side: have you discredited or ignored someone based of his or her poor appearance?

Lay the hammer down my friend. The flip side got me. Guilty. In our society today we play both the rich man and the believer in the story. We have came to the conclusion, 'My clothes say something important about me. I can draw the eye. I could be shown the special attention. I could get a good seat.'

There is nothing wrong with being beautiful or showing the creative flair God blessed you with. Clothes are a way of showing that uniqueness and our personalities. But like anything else, it can be misused. Food is readily abused and as a result we have sickness, overweight, obsessed, and overall are unhealthy. 'God created sex as a beautiful expression, but need we discuss how we've exploited this gift? Influence, authority, wealth, position, ecological resources, power, biblical knowledge....all gifts, all capable of heinous misuse.'

Our culture spends so much time, money and energy on clothing.

Once upon a time, ...a productivist capitalism prospered by meeting the real needs of real people....Today, however, consumerist capitalism profits only when it can address those essential needs have already been satisfied but who have the means assuage "new" and invented needs...The global majority still has extensive and real needs...But it is without the means to address them, being cut off by the global market's inequality....from investment in capital and jobs that would allow them to become consumers.

Yeah, I had to read it a couple times. Basically, the market meets the basic needs of the people. The third world has life, health, and family needs, but no consumer power. Thus the Big Market pretty much turns to your wallet making up stuff to entice you to need/want more (ex. sugar water, bleach pens, collagen moisturizers) with full disregard to the people who are dying for lack of basics.
Leaving us with needy without income and wealthy without needs. The market must grow or expire. 'If the poor cannot be enriched enough to become consumers, the grown-ups in the first world who are currently responsible for 60% of the worlds consumption, and with vast disposable income but few needs, will have to be enticed to shop. ' The result? Our closets overflowing, shoes piled high, scarves, jewelry, hats, house decor, all overwhelming our space.

My problem, I over rationalize everything. That cute little outfit for the baby? No big deal. The pretty pink dress for my girl (despite the 20 other ones in her closet already) it'll be alright. Those shoes, well they are only 7 bucks, how can I not? I like it all. They are cute. I want them. All of these thoughts while the battle of injustice rage on the children in third world countries.

The Lord takes his place in court; he rises to judge the people. The Lord enters into judgement against the elders and leaders of his people: It is you who have ruined my vineyard; the plunder from the poor is in your houses, What do you mean by crushing my people and grinding the faces of the poor? Isaiah 3:13-15

My house?...the plunder for the poor? Guilty. We enjoy rank and privilege. Everyone does. The entitlement also bears the responsibility to the poor. Power blinds us. It keeps us from scrutiny and repentance. This is where is I was blind. The devil is good, so good at using this to block the average everyday Christian Joe. Isaiah 3:16-4:1 was no joke when he threw it out on the line:

The Lord says, 'The women of Sion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes, tripping along with mincing steps, with ornaments jingling on their ankles. Therefore the Lord will bring sores on the heads of the women of Zion; the Lord will makes their scalps bald.
It continues saying that the Lord will snatch away bangles, headbands, necklaces, chains, sashes, perfumes. And replace them with stench, rope, sackcloth, they will be branded. In that day seven women will take hold of one man and say, "We will eat our own food and provide our own clothes; only let us be called by your name. Take away our disgrace!"

See the link between outward description and inward disease? Vanity is blinding us. Love the bangles, sashes, flaunting it around, ......but what lies underneath? Inner wounds and heart full of sickness.Women want to be seen, even desired. Sadly caring about all the wrong things:

Religion, not justice; self-advancement, not orphans and widows; wealth, not worship; pride, not humility; shameless sin, not repentance. (Isaiah 1-3).

God ain't (I live in the south people) playing games. Obviously according to scripture he is serious, this is no joke.  I'd prefer not to have all this scrutiny, but Father, let it rain.

Best part about this is, with God.....there is always forgiveness.
Isaiah 1:18-19,27
Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord. Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land. 27: Zion will be redeemed with justice, her penitent ones with righteousness.

God. Is. Holy. SO. HOLY.

 

Wrap it up people

Day 3 Food 7 Fast

This sucks...just saying. There has never been a time in me ENTIRE life where I had to sit and watch a table full of people enjoy Oreos and milk. I keep asking myself why I had to pick the most bland 7 foods, they have no taste. Thanks to my friends Salt and Pepper we are able to get through this. One thing I did realize, I drink way too much caffeine. I was a walking migraine by the end of the first day. So for the sake of my sanity and not to mention my hubby and kiddos, I am allowing myself 1 cup of coffee. Epic failure I know....but something had to be done to keep myself from locking the kids in their rooms to play while I sat in a dark, quiet room.

This is the first time I have EVER fasted. Honestly, I just thought the people who did that kind of stuff were just weird and out of touch with the real world. Fasting just has never been part of my spiritual story.  I didn't understand that fasting was to help me in my relationship with Christ. Most of all, I feared judgement from those people that closest and most dear to me. I grew up in a church home, but that doesn't mean all those around me were true raw Christians. Looking back now, there is very few people out of hundreds that I could honestly say without a doubt that I believe are true followers of Christ. That leaves a lot of 'Atheist Christians' that watch and judge me as I fast.

Perfection

Picture the old temple in scripture (Numbers and Exodus): the presence of God dwelt in the ark of the covenant behind a large curtain. Only the high priest could enter once a year and offer a sacrifice for atonement for the nation's sins. But they couldn't just sprinkle a little blood and be on their merry way. No, God specifically gave over 100 directives on exactly how it needs to be done. "Present a burnt offering to the Lord, a pleasing aroma; one young bull, one ram and seven male lambs a year old, all without defect." God even spoke of the high priest garments hem, "Make pomegranates of blue, purple and scarlet yarn around the hem of the robe, with gold bells between them....Aaron must wear it when he ministers. The sound of the bells will be heard when he enters the Holy place before the Lord and when he comes out, so that he will not die" (Exodus 28:33,35). DIE....yes...if he didn't do exactly how it needed to be done for the Almighty I Am.....it's was as simple as, you die.

"God is holy. So very holy. We have no concept how holy and perfect He is. That God could even be close to sinful mankind is astonishing, which is why it was so complicated to bring worship that wouldn't offend His perfection" (Hatmaker).

Because Jesus died on the cross his Holy Spirit now lives within us. Our bodies are now the temple. God desires Christians to be good stewards of our resources. Does that mean our body is sacred content? "Do we treat out bodies like vessels of the very presence of the great I AM? Is there a remnant of the respect and reverence for these bodies, and the plants and animals consecrated for our sustenance?" (Hatmaker) Have you ever heard you are what you eat. We eat and fill our earthly temples with pathogens, poisons, synthetic hormones, and chemicals.

This has shown me that I have this ridiculous attachment to something as simple as food. I am ashamed of myself when I feel like being disobedient just because it's one bite. The satisfaction of being able to run to Starbucks for a cup of $5 coffee, while that same thought is unable to enter the mind of the poor and homeless is disheartening. I didn't think the food fast was going to be a big deal, but it has opened my eyes to a selfish want and desire that I didn't even knew existed.

This week is hard. I am hungry...period. The hope is that the abstinence from food maybe the launching pad for Jesus; "More of him and less of me and my junk."

Picking my poison, I mean ummm food....

Tomorrow begins the week of food fasts. I have been spending that last week praying and preparing my mind for what is to come. So, I picked my poison for the first week of 7 experiment:

 

Chicken   Eggs   Whole wheat bread  

Sweet Potatoes   Apples   Beans   Bananas  

 

I'm only going to drink water.....no coffee (I'm already having anxiety of that one), I can use olive oil, salt and pepper. I made sure my choices were healthy and well balanced. With the experiment there are other options; cut out 7 ingredients (no caffeine, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, food dye...etc), No fast food or processed foods (which is pretty much everything), If you have a burden for a specific country fasts on their diet, eat only what you have in pantry, cut your budget in half or thirds for the week, or even fast on an entire meal a day for 7 days.

 

I chose not to include kids in this.....not just because it's hard, but folks I gotta keep my sanity.

 

I'm sure you are thinking, why in the world is she doing this? It's simple. I'm praying during this fasts that there may be less of me and all my junk, and more of God and His kingdom. All my junk equals all the 7 things I am fasting on during the 7 weeks. Point blank: God listens to those who fast with an earnest heart. Esther fasted before she approached the king without being summoned (a death sentence), but he welcomed her and Israel ended up being saved through it (Esth 4:16). Or when Ezra fasted for safety before carrying a bulk of gold and silver along a route that was infested with thieves. They safely arrived at their destination. Daniel fasted to restore Jerusalem after almost 70 years in exile. God responded by sending the angel Gabriel to show him his plan.  A fast cannot be used to manipulate God in giving us what WE want. There could be some major consequences in that. That is why I spent the past week preparing and praying to get my heart in the right place.

I am in need of a breakthrough. The restlessness needs to come to a point of understanding. There is something that needs to change and/or happen, so I am fasting for some understanding from Christ. 'It is interesting to watch God's movement after the famous fasts in scripture; they positioned His people for a breakthrough so often. What wasn't possible, suddenly was. What wouldn't move, came unstuck. What hadn't worked, finally did. What was totally blurry, became crystal clear.'




Want to read and try this for yourself? Here is the link to the 7 books.

Revealing my Blind Spots

I finished the book 7. The book where Jen Hatmaker, some of her family and friends embark on seven fasts from seven areas of excess in seven months......crazy, I know. This girl....can't even begin to describe, love her, she just throws it all out there. This reading has opened my eyes to a whole new level. Honestly, I am a little petrified.....Thanks God, for ruining it for me. But I can't complain, I pray fervently for his hand on my life and my families. If you have read any of my other blogs, you can see he is no joke when it comes to shaking things up.

What is a fast? 'Fasting is an intentional reduction, a deliberate abstinence to summon God's movement in our lives. A fast creates margin for God to move.' A fast must be in the right mind- for Christ. I will be fasting from the things that come between me and God almighty.  This book has allowed to to see my blind spots. There is a stirring in me about the Gospel and my family that burns to get out. I don't understand at all what it is. But its driving me to the point of stress and anxiety. There is so much STUFF in my life that is between God and I. Let me name a few things; facebook, twitter, clothes, possessions, food, stress, waste, spending, deadlines, meetings, TV........ and I wonder to myself why I can't hear or feel God speaking to me. I do not make the time to listen. My daily routine is rush, rush, rush, food, baths, and bed. Sound familiar?

America is RICH. I have everything I need, yet I always want more...a new car, cuter clothes, bigger home, a maid (holla), a pool, big vacations, etc. America is on top of the world when it comes to luxuries. Most of us don't even know how rich we are. We reside on top percentage of wealth in the entire world. If you make $35,000- top 4%, $50,000- top 1%. This excess has impaired our perspective. 'We are the richest people on earth, praying to get richer. We're tangled in unmanageable debt while feeding the machine, because we feel entitled to more.' More than half the global population lives on less than $2/day and we can't manage life with almost 35 times that amount ($25,000) or 70 times that amount ($50,000). Having this much is blinding us. How can we feel compelled too need and listen for Christ when everything around us is given to us.

Jesus spoke repeatedly about the rich folks. They may be on top of the food chain, but for the most part that's where it stops. Matthew 19 speaks about the rich young man. This man was a rich ruler with lots of power (according to Luke 18). He asked Jesus, "What good thing must I do to get eternal life?" Jesus replied, "Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor you father and mother, and love your neighbor as yourself." The rich man said he kept all of those things but what do I still lack? Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. then come, follow me." The young man heard this and became sad, because he had great wealth. Then Jesus throws out this hyperbole, saying it is easier for a 2,000 pound camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

What the??!!  I was utterly aware of my privileges and unmoved by my greed. I am the rich dude....there is so much EXCESS that obscures my vision of Christ. How is God suppose to use me to further his kingdom when I have so much baggage? I am ruined...EPIC failure. I am always comparing myself to others on the same rung. Looking for ways to get higher on that social ladder and completely missing the point of it all. It's the American Way. We are programmed that way, me, me, me. Here is a picture of MY vacation, here is a picture of the family I made, MY project, MY success,....what's left when we shift our focus? for the believers, Christ. It's not about what you're doing right; it's about what you cherish. "If you are willing to offer these blind spots- indulgence, extravagance, greed, excess- to Jesus, we can believe him for freedom on the other side. There is a bigger story to live, and God is drawing us into it. It is thrilling and good and radical; the gospel life has no equal. No matter what, God will further his kingdom, whether we help or not...but 'what better way to spend our last breath on, this is living'.

Are you willing?

FCAT anarchy

The test that determines my status as a teacher, regardless of any outside circumstances, the dreaded FCAT is only 5 school days away....stress isn't even a good word to explain the storm amongst the upper elementary grades at my school. So here are some things to make you add a little light to the darkness:

You know FCAT is close......

When you actually consider applying to work at Target because the people are happy and Starbucks is only steps away.

When you start to get the feeling that FCAT should stand for Florida Children Are Tortured.

When you find yourself sharpening your 97th pencil while mumbling to yourself.

When you feel like your brain is going to explode if one more student forgets to go back and heaven forbid highlight or underline the answer in the passage.

When there are no more bags of peppermints at the grocery store.

When you find yourself repeating "Did you check your work?"

When you're scared to speak to your co worker because the littlest thing can set them off.

When your family begins to think you're on a strike from any type of house work.

When you spend hours at home looking for more teaching videos.

When you wake up in the middle of the night thinking about your students IEPs.

Sleepless nights, husband and kids getting the 3rd degree, a home cooked meal hasn't even been placed on my table this week. AND I still have another week to go before the testing begins. OVER IT!!!! I'm so over it! I have come to settle in this: I have taught what they needed to know and the best way I knew how to teach it......it is up to them now.....God Bless Them ALL.

Feel free to comment and add to the list ;)

Celebrating Milestones

Stetson first birthday was a huge milestone for him. We are thanking God everyday for allowing him to be here with us. He had a Superman Birthday Party and it was awesome! I was able to contain my tears up until my sister Christy (which was by myside through it all) made a video: (please avoid his sisters lalaloopsy purse she is allowing him to play with, lol!)

 

When we got home from the hospital, he stayed on an oxygen and a machine that continued to show us his levels, heart rate, and BP. It was only about 2 weeks he had to be on it. He started off going to the cardiologist once a week, it slowly has went down to only every 4 months now. We have only had 1 scare, the cardiologist noticed his heart wasn't squeezing as hard as it should. They went in and checked it and all was good. He was only 4 pounds when they did the surgery, his heart was as small as a walnut, just imagine how small his coronary arteries were. Its unbelievable the miracles that were worked and a continued to be at work. He finished his last session of therapy just before his birthday. His chest is nice and healed, just a small white line through the center and where the chest tubes were. He goes every month during the flu season to get shots so he doesn't get RSV. The last of those for this year is next month. His 1 year mark for his open heart surgery is this Tuesday. To celebrate I went to the hospital and met with the surgeon and gave him this picture:

 

We have so much to celebrate and be thankful for. Since his birth my perception on daily life has changed. Thank God for opening my eyes.

I will sing of Your power, I will sing aloud of your mercy,

For you have been my defense and refuge in the day of my trouble.

Psalm 59:16

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zaynSHFqqw

This video sums it up for me :) so touching!!

Awaken the Settled Dust

This past week I have been reminiscing on the past year of Stetson life. I am a Christian woman, but the moment he was born God placed several burdens on my heart. His birth and struggles have opened my eyes and heart to see and understand things that I haven't even thought of before. One being, what's happening to the next generation of Christ followers?
This isn't new to anyone by any means. But seriously......worship services consist of the same routine. As believers we go to church on Sundays, feel condemned, pray about, but then everything settles back again. Some go to do bible studies with like Beth Moore (btw- which are pretty awesome), talk about it to our small group of people that are doing the same study, but that is it. It is never made applicable into our everyday lives. What good is it doing for it to just be sitting in our minds and hearts when we only share it with those who believe?

That is when it hit me. Our youth are not blind. They see it. Christians day by day who pass the poor man on the street, hear the people who claim to be Christians bad mouthing their co-workers or others when they do not even know their circumstances. Then turn and go back to church, feel condemned, pray about it, then its starts all over again. We are like settled dust.  God did not call us to settle. I assume that 99% of the people who read my blog are probably women (that 1% goes to my hubby ;)..) As a woman I cannot expect anyone or anyplace to demonstrate the example of a Christ, not a church, not a sermon, not a camp, no place that can do it as well as a mother in my everyday actions. And honestly so far, I have failed them...failed!!! Errrrr!! This bothers me to no ends! I have a friend that takes her family to church, they attend camps, Sunday School, etc., her son (middle school age) told her that he hates church. Why?!! The people are so fake, even those who have been faithful for years and years. They are not showing anything beyond the four walls of their church service. Breaks my heart! I want to be the woman who shows my husband and 3 children an example of Christ! By golly, I will no longer fail them in the most important aspect of their being. I am going to AWAKEN the Settled Dust.

Superman Stetson's Story

     Stetson is turning 1 Friday!! Poor thing was a leap year baby so I could say his official 'unofficial' birthday is Friday. I do think it's pretty awesome that my mother and he will now share a birthday (unless its leap yr)!
       This week has had my emotions like a rollercoaster. I read once somewhere (probably pinterest) that you know that your heart has mended when you can tell your story and still hold yourself together. Well I think I am there. Here is the story of 'Superman' Stetson......
      I woke up one Sunday morning to get all the kids and myself ready for church. I was 31 weeks pregnant at that time and I felt so tired in defeated. I sat in my mudroom and cried quietly (I am a proud woman, I rarely shed tears in front of others- trust me it is not a trait worth having). I prayed that God would show himself in a mighty way to my family so they could understand his mighty ways. Boy, if I would have known what he had in mind I would have better prepared myself. 4 days later we were playing ball with my children at the ball park when my water broke. I was 32 weeks, in the back of my mind I knew the baby would be small but able to survive.
      Stetson came into the world after only 3 hours of labor (ready or not!) Everything seemed fine, I was discharged from the hospital but he had to stay until he could eat from a bottle or nursing. The afternoon I was discharged I was rocking my little 4 pounder in my arms in the NICU when his oxygen levels started dropping. Within minutes we were surrounded by nurses and doctors saying something was wrong with his heart. Then they whisked him out of our sight. Brandon and I were helpless. We waited and waited for hours to find out what was happening. We received a phone call late in the night saying they were sorry but the had to intubate him. Brandon and I never prayed so hard in our lives. We sat their and cried feeling useless. We were able to finally go back and see him. He was tiny, with tons of IV machines, bandages, tubes, everywhere. As a mother my first instinct was to take him and run as if he was in some type of trouble only I could heal, but common sense knows better. So we watched him battle for days. Stetson was born with his 2 main arteries switched and on one side of his heart, the aorta was very thin, and he had 3 holes between the chambers.   
     Babies developed with an extra artery between the 2 chambers that they use while in belly and up to 4 days after birth. When his oxygen was dropping that tiny artery was closing off making him use his 2 main arteries, causing him to hyperventilate. Fortunately there was medicine they gave him to keep that artery open until they figured out a plan of action. The medicine however would make him stop breathing on his own.
     There was a moment I was alone with Stetson, it was very early and my husband was taking kids to school. The nurse came in to do her normal beginning of the day routine examining the baby. She had to carefully turn his fragile little body to the other side. (it is unreal how complicated it is with a zillion fragile things are connected!) Every monitor in the room went of and the nurse called a code on the emergency caller, and asked me to leave the room. Holy Moly!!!! I was in a panic, I sat in the breast pump room listening to doctors and nurses rushing in. At that very moment I told God to just take me instead, and pleaded his mercy. I argued with God about how we are his children and he is to take care of us. That was the moment: God gave his son sacrificially for us, and it was time for me to give my son to God. I prayed for him to take care of him since he belongs to him anyways, for his will to be done no matter the circumstance. Minutes later the nurses came and took me back to the room. All the vitals were stable as if nothing happened!
      For days it was trial and error on how much medication to give him. One doctor would call him 'Superman' because he was so tiny but was fighting to breath on his own (which at this time was causing him to hyperventilate). God called in Dr. Bleiweis to be Stetson's surgeon that repaired his heart. On March 14th my lil baby boy underwent open heart surgery. The surgery lasted 9 hours. The 24 hours after his surgery he had a 50/50 chance of survival. We spent 2 months in the hospital (at the moment it seemed like years.).
      Needless to say, he is our little Superman Stetson! He spent 2 months healing. Homecoming was such a blessing. He is a healthy baby boy and his 1st birthday is going to be one to celebrate big!
God showed his mercy and strategic planning throughout the entire thing. I happen to change to Shands UF for my obgyn doc during the preganancy. If I would have went any where else Stetson would have had to be rushed over to Shands for the cardio nicu care he needed. If Stetson were born on his due date he would have been discharged and at home when his stats dropped. All of my pregnancies were without complication. For me to go into labor early was just Gods way of watching over Stetson. We randomly met a fellow firefighter who offered us an apartment to stay in close to the hospital.Saved us from spending tons of money going back and forth. It remind me of the song sang by Casting Crowns, Already There. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s099Omqw1_E)
      God is there. He feels your pain, he understands your yearnings, he knows what you need before you ask for it. He demonstrated and continues to do so in every form of life. Just talk to him and listen to.

Random things....

     I am a southern 29 year old mother of 3 at home (kids are 5,4, and 1 yrs old), and 18 in the classroom. Yes, most of my students accidentally call me mom multiple times a day....for some weird reason I love it ;) I am extremely happily married to my (HOT) high school sweetheart.

     I am using this blog in random ways. I am partially frugal- as long as it doesn't take away family time. From time to time I will post family frugal ideas that are tried and true in my own home. I love good classroom blogs and ideas to help me out, since I am pretty much still a newbie at this teachin' thing (2 years so far). For the most part it will be about me finding the place where Christ wants me to be. I feel as if I am a believer in the fog, trying to be an example to my family. Here it goes....

Addi and Austin (just found out they were on the way to Disney in this pic)

All 3 of my 'chillens'...I just love their tiny toes ;)